Category Archives: philosophy

Manifesting your life

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Six months ago I was sitting in Australia thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I was not teaching but trying to enjoy the art of relaxing. It was at this time I realized I needed a purpose, because I found relaxing boring. I considered where did I want to live? Was it OZ, America, well I knew it wasn’t China. I really missed America and all it has to offer. Where did I want to live in America? So many choices. Should I live near my children who are spread all over the country? I know I didn’t want to live in Plano anymore. I had grown up there. In 1998 I returned to raise my daughter and be near my parents. A little more thought and I realized, I had always loved Houston, the climate, the ability to grow ferns and the proximity to the beach. I had taught art classes at the Glassell and loved the downtown. So why not live where I love? It was at this point that I focused my thoughts on creating my purpose and my new journey.

I decided I would find a job in Houston where I could teach IB to International students. Only two schools provide that environment and one had an opening which turned into my new job. I could now move to Houston, and live downtown. Just this week I was able to find the home that I had dreamed of. It is exactly what I wanted with a wonderful kitchen, art studio space, garage, large tub, a rain shower and right on Heights Blvd.

I believe we are the creators of our life. We envision what we want in our thoughts and our thoughts are manifested into reality. My reality is everything and more because I dreamed it into being. I cannot tell you how much happiness this has created for me. I have it all and I created it.

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

This is a site that my wonderful friends Judy and Patti helped me discover. It is about the “Law of Attraction” and how to create what you truly want in your life. I have used the law of attraction in the past, but this site has helped me focus even more intently. Every seventeen seconds you can create and hold a thought, this is how to manifest your desires.

If you can’t seem to find what you need, or your not attracting what you want I suggest you give it a read. You will be surprised at what you find. As my friend Ann says it is about the journey of happiness. Happiness is the answer, so manifest that in your thoughts.

Life is about boundaries

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“Life is as life is,” my new mantra. I am searching for a home to plant myself in and it doesn’t seem to be surfacing. So I wonder, is this where I am suppose to be? Alone, but not lonely, I search for my hearts desire. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I can sure draw a boundary when it comes to things I don’t like.

Boundaries are those lines that limit you from certain objects of your desire. I am noticing my wonderful American culture does not really understand boundaries or they have “blown them off.” Can American’s say no? Not really, they want bigger, more expensive, and an unending craving for more. Our society is feeding us with commercials that make us feel we need to spend to be fulfilled. But are we? No, of course not. But when your boundaries have been compromised by commercialism it causes you to forget what you need is surprisingly very little.

I am noticing people have more stuff than they need, they have filled their homes with so much there is no longer space for people. It is unbelievable how many homes I have visited and there is just no where to sit or sleep due to pillows. Yes these fluffy little squares have taken over all the free space. Their closets, drawers and cabinets are filled to overflowing, It has become overwhelming. No wonder Americans are laughed at by international countries. We are in-debt because we buy too much to fill up our lives. In theory it would be better to fill it with good relationships. Quit buying junk. Learn to cook and stop indulging in processed packaged products. Walk and bike ride, know your neighbors, get off the iPhone, iPad and become a person connected to real life. Set a boundary, it would do you good.

As my life goes from day to day, I cook, paint, write and meet new people. My life is different now, I realize I can have boundaries and say “No, thanks!” I learned from my Asian culture experience, “Less is really more and Life is as life is.” Life is really good.

Homeless… without ocean and art studio!

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A week with Hurricane Debby and you realize how noisy, windy and wet nature can be. Storms can be challenging, especially if you have a ring side ocean view from your hotel window. I taught a week of IB art classes in St. Pete, Florida and saw only one day of sunny weather. I love the beach and living on the coast would be the most wonderful opportunity to experience sand, surf and sun.

Storms and sunny days, are like the ups, the downs of life. We all have challenges, I suppose how we handle them is the key. My stormy days have subsided and now nice sunny ones are on the horizon. I want to live by the ocean, but with my new job I will be sixty miles to the surf. Now what? Deciding on a second best scenario is difficult. Should I live in a high rise, suburban home, older home in a more trendy location or even an apartment? For me, this is too many decisions. I make my mind up quickly, now I am weighing options. I decided the other day that an art studio was the most important for me. Did you ever try to find a home with an artist area? After looking, I find the art studios as a part of a home are over a half a million in cost. Tell me how is an artist going to afford that? What an oxymoron!

Life is throwing me a curve ball, no ocean, no artist studio….. What do I do?

My brother-in-law humorously calls me a squatter, I am sure they would like me to move on, but where do I go? Anyone in Houston got an artist studio I could buy, rent or squat at?

Empty Vessels and the 3 P’s of Art

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My ART! I’ve done some mulling these last few days concerning my style and why do I create as I do? This ruminating of the mind began after I saw a wonderful retrospective art opening by artist Perry House. The Houston ART CAR Museum housed a collection culminating with thirty years of work. What a sense of humor he injects into his pieces on violence. His expressionistic canvases embody foreboding ideas using cheerful color palettes making quite a statement on society. I loved it! Americans are so into the packaging, and he sure had a way of showing it.

Thinking about art to create and commentary has spurred a review of my work. Brainstorming words, “Empty Vessels,” comes to mind whether that be people, places or pottery. This acronym, “The 3 P’s!” describes my work in a “less is more” vocabulary. In general empty spaces appear in landscapes with extreme cropping, strong lighting and shadows. The people I chose seem to be looking another way, are expressionless and empty. Pottery I create in bowl forms incorporate slip painting of blank looking blue cubist women. So what does that say about me? Am I rummaging to fill the desolate spaces, do I show society in its infinitesimal form or am I probing for light to feature dismal objects? You the reader may think I am over analyzing my exploration of art. To me I am trying to figure out my purpose and why do I pick this subject matter.

Homeless at this point, living off family and running around like a gypsy with two suitcases in a green doodle bug, I am looking for a nest! For two years I have flitted around the world, learning and teaching. Time to settle down and create for real. This time the art space is more important than the living space. I need to have an ART STUDIO. Where that will be is still another journey and as always another story!

Happy Birthday Andy

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Today March 24th, Andy Zorn would be 32… Happy Birthday, son.

A few images that are great memories of him. Love you kiddo.

He was the life of the party, red headed, green eyed and always into something. A fabulous fisherman, he could out fish the lot. He was a wonderful son and a great friend. Missing you on your day.

You are gone, never forgotten.
Life goes on, so live it well, it could end at any time.
Go for the gusto, travel, meet new people, listen and help others.
Be KIND.

Wish you were here I’d take you out to the Great Barrier Reef and let you snorkel and eat a lobster.

Dharma Wheel again?

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Trauma, memories! You think they are gone, but no they don’t go away. Hidden in the recesseses of your mind, until one day another incident happens. Wham! They reappear and you see them as clearly as when they first happened, like a big screen movie. There was the day Trevor had a seizure in my classroom and quit breathing, the awful day Andy died, and then last week finding Ross passed out by the coy pond, head hit, bloody lip and not breathing. Why? Why me? Why am I the one in these situations? What is God trying to say to me? Life is just one foot in and one foot out, fragile like a fine imported crystal wine glass, drop it, the shattering pieces go everywhere. My life is like glass, it shatters over and over, pieces here and there. Why in one instance our lives seem fine and the next there is a dreadful rush of adrenaline, quick decisions to make and frenzy to save a life? It just spins all around and suddenly I find I am in the middle again.

Life replays, different actors but same story. It seems to me incidences are repeatedly happening again, the drama, the trauma, the unbelievable exhaustion. The running, yes the running, I am running away from it all mentally and physically. Dharma? Karma? Double dipped dose of doing it over and over!

Barbara Myss wrote a book on “Contracts” — something I partially read years ago. But one thing did stick and that is we are here for a reason, a lesson so to speak with people we already knew before we incarnated. All of us intermingle with each other teaching lessons to one another. Each lesson is one step to further our soul’s enlightenment. So what is the lesson, why do it again and again? Haven’t I got it right, can I move on or am I on the constant dharma wheel?

The Path of “Boring”

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When you start a new relationship everything is fresh and wonderful, you are all “gaga.” As the novelty wears off you have to face the real you, your inner personality and the issues or demons that you hide. I think not only with new romantic relationships but with with all people you meet, you set boundaries and begin dialogue.

In each relationship we can revert back to old stereotypical roles we may have played in childhood, with boyfriends, girlfriends, or with past husbands or wives. I am breaking out of these old roles with toxic dialogues into a healthy role of an adult with a nice calm dialogue. I recall my attractions were to troubled, distant, moody men, usually emotionally unavailable and addicted to alcohol. Roles we played were rescuer “trying to help”; or persecutor “trying to blame”; or role of victim “the one who is helpless and blameless.” This becomes a game and you can act out any of these roles at any time you please. To step away from this and work in a healthy role is challenging for some one who has had a dysfunctional life.

Working on a healthy relationship is what I call “different, virgin territory and sometimes boring.” You would wonder why boring, because there is no drama or chaos. I have loved that “high” in my relationships but no more. I am finding when there is no action, I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sure how to act, how to cultivate a continually nice relationship, where someone actually cares about me, and my welfare. Having found someone who loves me, just the way I am and is there for me is so amazingly different. Finding mutual interests is more fun than commiserating endlessly over obsessed and unhealthy conversation.

As I walk a path to a new way of living I am hoping to be joined by new friends in a more peaceful world. I sometimes catch myself looking for or about to step into a toxic dilemma. I have a fear that the calm life is not working. I am curious has anyone else noticed once you have changed into a healthy lifestyle what do you do with yourself when you seem to want to fall back into the stimulation of chaotic drama instead of enjoying the “boring” life? Any helpful ideas would be appreciated.

What is a healthy relationship?

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As many of you know, a healthy relationship is something I have really never had with a mate. A co-dependent to alcoholics, a person always trying to fix the other is my M.O. My wonderful friend Ann in Colorado sent me a book entitled “Women Who Love Too Much.” I put off reading the book until last week, and have found it to be amazingly like a case study of my life. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is your first clue. My mom was a cleanaholic, among a few other things. These obsessive tendencies are what causes us to be unhealthy. I too have been a workaholic and a clean freak, just ask my friends and family. On top of that I can fix anything.

The move last year to China was the best thing I could do to get out of my co-dependent behaviors and start living a life of just caring for me. One of the steps in the book to recovery is learning to be “selfish.” A word I could never describe as me, I saw myself as never selfish always giving. That is unhealthy according to my book. Learning to honestly say how you feel is a lesson my wise Texan friend Judy taught me this summer. She is a workshop leader of “BePeace.” BePeace® is a practice that combines a scientifically proven method for “feeling peace” with a clear path for “speaking peace” that creates an authentic, compassionate connection. As we learn this practice, we are empowered to pass it on, to “teach peace”. Basically she teaches children and adults how to say what you feel, what you need and how to empathize. A great lesson for me, something we practiced this summer.

Having been isolated for a year in China, than a quick summer back to dysfunctional America I realize how sick I had been. Sorry America but you are dysfunctional! I learned quickly that my family had expectations for me that I no longer cared to fill or be. I had changed and it was difficult for others to accept the new me. I may have less family members speaking to me due to standing up for myself.

Learning to say what you need is so important. I am healthy and on my road to recovery. I found a man that is healthy too and we can talk about these things. It is a work in progress, always tweaking to make it healthy. Nice thing is he will talk to me and say how he feels too. We allow each other to be who we are. It is a nice start in a good relationship. Yes, it is going slow. I am not going to dive in head first and get married again. I will probably do a “Carriage” relationship. (see http://www.susantadlock.com/2011/04/a-carriage-relationship/ ) It is a contract we write how we want to be treated.

Those of you that are married, have you ever done that? I would challenge you to sit with your partner and create a list of ways you want your relationship to be. Ross and I are in the process of that now. It is a give and take contract, each looking for different ways to be treated and treat the other. We will sign it when we feel ready to commit to one another. We will make it renewable in six months to be rewritten, or discarded. It is up to us. Healthy is nice and not chaotic.

The quest for the black shoes is over!

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In my quest for the right Cinder(f)ellow my search took me home to America and then to Australia. Did the right guy appear, you ask? If you kept up with my story line concerning the dreams I had to find the right man you might find this story interestingly sweet.

“Finding a Soul Mate” was the blog about how to manifest your mate, it came to me in a dream. For thirty days I envisioned myself in what I called ‘like particles’ to the universe. “30 Days and do I have a Soul Mate” is the blog that explains the end of my quest with four men that contacted on the thirtieth day. I did not elaborate who these gentlemen where in hopes I would meet them and actually see what developed. I bought a couple fish that last day for my soul mate company. As you know the bright orange koi lovingly named President Hu died, and when I returned to China Oba-mao my black and white with a touch of socialist orange koi had moved on too. Sadly my fish tale ends, but my black shoes begins…

When I got to America I lined up my dates and checked out their intent as well as shoes. I had a date with a handsome Dallas photographer, like a Nikon and a Canon, no match. I meet up with a polite Vegan at Sumi Veggie in Richardson, still I am vegetarian he is vegan, not quite a match either. On to Houston and my promised enchilada dinner with a wonderfully great inventor. Friends forever I can say, but not the click I was hoping for. Where are my black shoes?

Two months in Texas, Colorado and California on to OZ! Yes Australia! To my surprise, Ross met me at the Brisbane airport with a stuffed kangaroo. I am a sap for gifts and he warmed my heart immediately. A long drive up the east coast to Bundaberg in Queensland, and me screaming, “we are on the wrong side of the road!” “Crikey!” Billboards of Steve Irvin, home of the crocodile hunter wiz past as we drive in lush tropical landscapes. It is winter, but more like a Texan spring. Ross and I spend ten wonderful days together on the beach checking out the turtle rookery and coral reefs. I meet his delightful neighbors Ian and Kathy, his Chinese friends and wonderful cooks David and Tobi, and have a treatment with his acupuncturist Dr. James.
We talk about metaphysics and beyond with his friend Jeff, the optometrist. Ross is an intellectual, pilot, engineer and a trading systems researcher. His Bundaberg home is a quaint Queenslander he is restoring. The property is covered in palms, ferns and tropical plants of all kinds, as a green thumb I am amazed at the amount of plants I can actually name. His tiger cat, Mr. Slick eventually takes an interest in me and I can feed Oprah his fat black chicken! Ross is a gentle man that opens car doors, cooks, makes reservations for the best table at a charming beach restaurant on my birthday and takes me to hold and pet a koala and kangaroos. I fell in love with the koalas and the man!

His shoes are Aussie boots, or white tennies not at all the black shoes I saw in my dream. He believes the shoes are a metaphor for my hopes, all the marbles are like tossing these hopes and dreams into an older culture China, represented by the pagoda. The chaos of the past, in the imagery of the marbles finds their way to a life of love and respect in the elegant worn black shoes.

Love

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Love is a small word with a big meaning. Who we love, we choose. Therefore my advice is choose wisely. I feel inclined at this point to say “I like more than I love.” Don’t get me wrong, I do love and I love many. But love is reserved for those I respect. I like many people, things and places. I like most everything. But to move up to the word love, then you have my respect and reverent adoration.

Life teaches us the meaning of loving. In my life as a teacher, I find loving my young students easy. You want to know what I teach, it is not so much art, but more about loving one another, respecting one another and appreciating another. That is what I do and I do it well. Tomorrow I start teaching another year of high school art in China, and I sit here thinking about the fifty bright eyed sophomores starting our IB program. I can’t wait to see how many exciting things they embody that I will like and love. How will I teach them to love and respect? How will they respond to me? How will we get along? I am excited for the first moment my blues eyes encounter their brown ones.

Loving respect is wonderful, and now after a year in Nanjing and a wonderful summer with all my dear sweet friends in America I realize I want this loving respect for myself. Having been the teacher, I need to be the pupil and demand it in my life. Sharing this information I realize I have slowly changed my future. My astute son-in-law noted in a conversation the other day that I had rounded a corner and changed my path, no longer leading a co-dependent life. Maybe I have found true love this year.