As many of you know, a healthy relationship is something I have really never had with a mate. A co-dependent to alcoholics, a person always trying to fix the other is my M.O. My wonderful friend Ann in Colorado sent me a book entitled “Women Who Love Too Much.” I put off reading the book until last week, and have found it to be amazingly like a case study of my life. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is your first clue. My mom was a cleanaholic, among a few other things. These obsessive tendencies are what causes us to be unhealthy. I too have been a workaholic and a clean freak, just ask my friends and family. On top of that I can fix anything.
The move last year to China was the best thing I could do to get out of my co-dependent behaviors and start living a life of just caring for me. One of the steps in the book to recovery is learning to be “selfish.” A word I could never describe as me, I saw myself as never selfish always giving. That is unhealthy according to my book. Learning to honestly say how you feel is a lesson my wise Texan friend Judy taught me this summer. She is a workshop leader of “BePeace.” BePeace® is a practice that combines a scientifically proven method for “feeling peace” with a clear path for “speaking peace” that creates an authentic, compassionate connection. As we learn this practice, we are empowered to pass it on, to “teach peace”. Basically she teaches children and adults how to say what you feel, what you need and how to empathize. A great lesson for me, something we practiced this summer.
Having been isolated for a year in China, than a quick summer back to dysfunctional America I realize how sick I had been. Sorry America but you are dysfunctional! I learned quickly that my family had expectations for me that I no longer cared to fill or be. I had changed and it was difficult for others to accept the new me. I may have less family members speaking to me due to standing up for myself.
Learning to say what you need is so important. I am healthy and on my road to recovery. I found a man that is healthy too and we can talk about these things. It is a work in progress, always tweaking to make it healthy. Nice thing is he will talk to me and say how he feels too. We allow each other to be who we are. It is a nice start in a good relationship. Yes, it is going slow. I am not going to dive in head first and get married again. I will probably do a “Carriage” relationship. (see http://www.susantadlock.com/2011/04/a-carriage-relationship/ ) It is a contract we write how we want to be treated.
Those of you that are married, have you ever done that? I would challenge you to sit with your partner and create a list of ways you want your relationship to be. Ross and I are in the process of that now. It is a give and take contract, each looking for different ways to be treated and treat the other. We will sign it when we feel ready to commit to one another. We will make it renewable in six months to be rewritten, or discarded. It is up to us. Healthy is nice and not chaotic.
