When you start a new relationship everything is fresh and wonderful, you are all “gaga.” As the novelty wears off you have to face the real you, your inner personality and the issues or demons that you hide. I think not only with new romantic relationships but with with all people you meet, you set boundaries and begin dialogue.
In each relationship we can revert back to old stereotypical roles we may have played in childhood, with boyfriends, girlfriends, or with past husbands or wives. I am breaking out of these old roles with toxic dialogues into a healthy role of an adult with a nice calm dialogue. I recall my attractions were to troubled, distant, moody men, usually emotionally unavailable and addicted to alcohol. Roles we played were rescuer “trying to help”; or persecutor “trying to blame”; or role of victim “the one who is helpless and blameless.” This becomes a game and you can act out any of these roles at any time you please. To step away from this and work in a healthy role is challenging for some one who has had a dysfunctional life.
Working on a healthy relationship is what I call “different, virgin territory and sometimes boring.” You would wonder why boring, because there is no drama or chaos. I have loved that “high” in my relationships but no more. I am finding when there is no action, I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sure how to act, how to cultivate a continually nice relationship, where someone actually cares about me, and my welfare. Having found someone who loves me, just the way I am and is there for me is so amazingly different. Finding mutual interests is more fun than commiserating endlessly over obsessed and unhealthy conversation.
As I walk a path to a new way of living I am hoping to be joined by new friends in a more peaceful world. I sometimes catch myself looking for or about to step into a toxic dilemma. I have a fear that the calm life is not working. I am curious has anyone else noticed once you have changed into a healthy lifestyle what do you do with yourself when you seem to want to fall back into the stimulation of chaotic drama instead of enjoying the “boring” life? Any helpful ideas would be appreciated.