Category Archives: philosophy

Sink or Swim

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My friend Jennifer asked me about my year in China over a cup of latte and a pumpkin scone at Starbucks today. Her curiosity centered around how I managed after the death of a son and a divorce? She concluded I was catapulted out of a sad situation and into something entirely new, how did I succeed despite the difficulty? The change allowed me to remove myself out of my present life and recreate a new one. Basically I learned how to survive in a foreign land. Working on survival you forget your sadness. I recall a comment Norman told me about his mom upon her dying. (from “Norman’s Mom June” a recent blog) “Losing a child can destroy you or make you compassionate of others.”

Sadness is around us all, how we deal with it is what makes us stronger. I can choose to be sad or happy. It is like sinking or swimming, what are you going to do? Drown in misery, I think not. My answer is swim to the light. It is a metaphor for viewing my life. Is your cup half full or half empty? What is your life about? Down the road, when you recall your life what will you remember?

This month in America has allowed me to take what I learned last year and assess it here. I found who helped me “see the light” and those folks I want more of. I have also seen those who would like to drown me, and I don’t want to swim around them. I have learned who is my family and who is not. I may have been a “pleaser” like Jennifer, as she describes herself during our conversation about our personality types. The one thing I have learned is some people you can never please and some will never please you. Just dump them! Life is just to short to be miserable or all wrapped up in drama.

Dallas is a hard place to live if you are an authentic person. I grew up in Plano and finding real people who care and understand you is rare. A stereotypical place of wealth, trying to have more and being better than others is what this area of Texas alludes. I no longer want to live here and my adventures in China opened doors that I could have never imagined. I am looking forward to another year in China and deciding where I want to swim the following year!

Be authentic!

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Do you realize how many of you question “What am I going to do with the rest of my Life?” The responses I received from The Last Third of my Life the previous post, generated more discussion than I ever expected. Not only did you post on the blog and Facebook, many of you sent me personal e-mails, and some of you skyped me. I can’t tell you how much your feedback, advice, personal wisdom challenged me in my quest for the next adventure.

Many of you reminded me about my passion, like Jessica a graduate of the IB program. Those passions are students, philosophy and IB, so teaching another year in China is a continuing step. I will look into more jobs around the world for the following year, thank you Micheala. Sam has given me permission to do this, she advised me there are no grandchildren on the horizon! I will stay on the IB circuit, Jerry’s advice. Mary, ah the wise child– You are right no business adventures, I wouldn’t know what to do and it would be too much work. Pat, my watercolor teacher, once again you are the wise sage, I shall take your advice and travel, paint later!

As far as my love life, what can I say? My friend Ross laughingly commented “You shall be a cloistered nun.” Yes, maybe I am, right now! The practice is to continue creating boundaries, adjusting to who I am and what I want in my life. Dan, thanks for reminding me. I don’t plan on being alone forever. I have men knocking at my monastery door each willing to show me their black shoes (“Cinder-f-ellow” blog). These shoes are holding the door open enticing me to come see who they are. Making a solid friendship is my first step with men. I want them to get past my cute facade, the bubbly personality and know the complex soul that I am. I like to think! I search for guys that like to think too. It seems simple. Alas, I am an atypical women connecting with a variety of men attracked to my strength and looks. My advice is to look past the boobs and into the brain if you want my attention! Know who you are and love you, before you come calling. I need an equally strong individual on a similar quest.

Be Authentic!

Last Third of My Life

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When it comes to students and their life choices I ask, “What do you want to do when you grow up? Have you decided on a career? Where do you want to go to school and study?” Last night a friend asked me, “What are you going to do with the last third of your life?” He got me thinking, as if I don’t ponder enough!

I asked myself, what do I want to do? After my China teaching experience is over what will I do? Do I want to keep teaching here, I could, they would keep me as long as I want to stay. I could teach IB in another part of the world. What about a Greek Isle or on a Caribbean beach? Ah, but what are the odds of moving there? I am talented and could do something in the artsy realm. Maybe a studio/gallery, a tourist art business or what about a B&B (Bed and Breakfast)? Should I take the advice of Robert Kiyosaki the author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad and became financially independent through investing and owning businesses? Do I need to partner with another like soul and create this venture? How about my children, would they like to be a partner? Maybe my long time girlfriends, they are on the verge of retirement and are probably thinking the same about their lives? Maybe a venture with them is an option? Or maybe someone else will come into focus and help me find that direction.

Why didn’t I learn about investing years ago, I might have a nest egg I could draw off and travel about? But I didn’t. American education did not teach me to save or how to make money during my college experience. My Chinese friends on the other hand have money in the bank and owe no one. I learn from them. So where do I go from here? I need some suggestions. You the reader are my family and friends, give me advice? Let me know what you think? You see my talents better than I see myself. Talk to me, advise me, help the wandering gypsy find a new direction.

Cinder(f)ellow

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Cinderella is a folk tale about a beautiful young woman in the throes of unjust oppression alias wins out triumphantly when her charming prince appears with her perfect glass slipper.

The new version is about a Cinder(f)ellow that I am in search of. The little play on words or fellow, is what I am looking for. Three months ago I had a dream about a man in black shoes standing at the foot of the pagoda I view out my window. ( Blog entitled: “The mysterious man in black shoes” ) He wears the most compelling black shoes. I will say I have had some enchanting interest in this blog from a variety of prince charmings. A photographer in Dallas emailed me stating he has black shoes, as well as a variety of other shades. An Australian Queensland bloke has also taken a keen interest in my Cinder(f)ellow quest and quizzed me as to what they actually look like, trying to get a lead. I will say they are not in any fashion a boot. To the camera buff I say only black. There is an enchilada dinner, waiting in Houston with a wonderful man and his dog Nellie. To Nellie I say don’t chew up any black shoes. At last to my Washington state Reiki friend, the distance is long and how in the world will I ever see your charming shoes?

Now you know the tale of this China doll looking for her Cinderfellow. To others with an interest in the quest of the right black shoes, attach a reply and I will be happy to review your shoe fashion. You never know you may just get lucky.

Isn’t life fun, when you live it playfully?

The rut of addicted personalities

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The moon is full and the night is exquisite in a velvety black aura. Looking over the city from my balcony window I am thinking how much I would love to share this view with you. Yes, you my reader and friends in America, England, Australia and China. Can you imagine what it is like to see the vast sprawling downtown city lights of Nanjing? I would have never been here if it hadn’t been for circumstances. Isn’t the journey of life interesting? It seems you are always working to make your life perfect and then WHAM, someone pulls the rug out from under you and KA-SPLAT you are slapped in the face with a new reality. This year I have worked so hard on understanding my plight of losing a son and a marriage. I have been healing and reassembling the bits and pieces of my life back together. Learning about new people, new places and new ideas is the way I spend time in my home, China. I work on blocking out the sadness of so much loss by staying busy teaching students my concepts of art and life. The one thing I have learned is I can stand up for myself and tell someone how I feel. It has taken a life time to learn this lesson. I got a letter from my ex-husband today, someone I had no longer expected to hear from. It was a letter from an addicted personality not able to see the end of our relationship and still pulling strings to get his way. To him I say “What are you thinking?” Stop playing this game and treating me so shabby! It is over, I have moved on, and you must do the same.

Learning the lessons of life are so very difficult. We get in a rut and seem to repeat them over. I am not repeating this one again. I have gained the insight I need to say how I feel and what I need. I keep hearing “brave” from many of you. No, that is not me. I am really a chicken at heart, but this time with some distance between me and him, I believe I am healed. I am a new enriched person, a stronger woman, living a sane life far from the insanity of addicted personalities. Life is full of crazy people, but not here, not in my life anymore.

Another look at the full moon and then I retire to my comfy hard as a rock bed. Where ever you are, look out your window up at the moon and think about your life lessons. Are you working them, ignoring them, or maybe you have learned them. My advice is: Don’t get in a rut and keep repeating them!

“Who” is my new soul mate?

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I bought a couple of coy fish to fill my need for a soul mate. I am quite happy to have fish to come home too. Much easier than a man, they require very little upkeep, don’t talk back or steal the covers. This was a major decision in my life after my 30 day experiment of trying to attract a soulmate. I got a note from Sarah, my son’s girlfriend saying maybe I an attacking them instead of attracting them. Amused, I think I will agree. No longer will I search I have the best mates now!

The beautiful solid red one I named “President Hu” (pronounced who) after my Chinese leader in Beijing. The half black and white with a touch of red is called “Oba-mao.” Yes, that is a socialist party joke in China, the name of my American leader in Washington DC, with the Chinese red ‘Mao’ attached to the end.

With in three hours Hu was not happy with Obamao and was floating on his back. Not a good sign for my Chinese leader. With much sadness I scoped his lifeless body from the lovely fishbowl with the airplane plant flopped on top. A salute to a short life well lived, and flush there he goes down the toilet. Easy come, easy go, Hu! Obamao, the socialist fish seems quite content to blow bubbles and swim in his private spa overlooking this great city. He seems happy to see me when I walk in the door. A wink from his big black eyes and I know who my soul mate really is!

30 days and do I have a soul mate?

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Today was the finale to my 30 day experiment in finding a soul mate. You ask, how did it turn out? Can’t really give you a solid answer. I will say after three beers with my British colleagues Micheal and Johnathan, I don’t really care nor did I have a mate that appeared out of thin air.

For those of you that are wondering what I am talking about, a month ago I had this very complex dream. (Read “Finding a Soul Mate” blog) It was like a vision with directions on how to find a soul mate. I even illustrated it. Instructions were to visualize my positive attributes out of my head like little feelers. As each one appeared I said an “I am a _____” quality to manifest the wonderful things I had in me and I wanted in return in a man. I did this twice a day for 30 days and today my soul mate should appear. I did exactly that! Now did any one appear in a chariot to carry me away? Well no! But I will say it has been an interesting day. I got a couple of interesting emails from some nice men and then I had lunch and afternoon beers with a few more. So do I have a soul mate, probably not today! I did ponder buying a fish, and may do that tomorrow to fill the void or maybe a turtle, instead.

I want you to know I am not giving up. I think patience is a key here! I just need to wait it out. I have sent all my good energy into the universe and hopefully it will connect with the same right energy, then kick his booty my way.

I also had a dream about the shoes he wears, so am keeping an eye out for those shoes. (Read “The Mysterious man in the Black Shoes” blog) Won’t it be interesting if the guy just walks into my life wearing those shoes? What a hoot that will be. Could totally just make my day!

So if you are out to win me over, you better wear the right pair of shoes and understand the attractions of soul mates. If not, don’t worry I am still your friend. If you are my family, forgive me for being crazy in China!

Anger or Happiness, which will it be?

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Anger! Ever just get so angry you could yell, scream, spit? Well I’ve been thinking about anger and how it affects a person whether you are the receiver of the anger or the mad man dishing it out!

Anger is something I haven’t seen too much of in China or experienced in the office. Yet the other day I had a person just dump a load of emotional drama on me. He felt the need to tell me why he disliked women in a most rude and disgusting fashion. I found I needed to stand up and say “Hey don’t talk like that to me”, and you know what happened…. “He said I insulted him!” Whew isn’t that interesting? So when you stand up and say you don’t want to hear that kind of language you are insulting the person throwing it out of their mouth. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship.

Yelp I just moved on. It became clear this was a “red flag” and one should steer clear of this person. Some people are mad at the world, at their choices in life, their relationships from the past, and they can’t seem to bury the hatchet and find peace, love and new relationships that are meaningful. Thank god for that lesson and the blessing of seeing an angry person that is no longer taking up space in my life.

Life is full of happiness, sunshine, great students and wonderful meaningful relationships. I am so glad I can see the good from the bad, and even better to leave the bees nest alone. We all have lessons to learn, mine is to stay away from angry men.

My students on a photography shoot yesterday and these are the happy moments in my life!

A Carriage Relationship

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Relationships!

When I read the book “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert concerning marriage I began to think what constitutes a good relationship. Here I am in China, pretty much by myself pondering the art of a good marriage. After three marriages I want to know why my relationships with men don’t work. I do not want to be married right now, or maybe not ever again. It is why did mine fall apart? Elizabeth Gilbert says the government and the church should not be the binding contract in a marriage. It should be the two people involved in the relationship. No matter what happens the government or church has set rules to control your marriage. When the break up happens, a contract is broken, and the government gets their greedy hands on everyones money to finalize the ending. Is it right that our private intimate commitment be controlled by others?

Looking at the word “Marriage”, the first part is Marry– or merry. Was I merry in my marriage? Certainly at this point I would say no, it ended and I am not merry. Therefore I have come to the conclusion, I want something different and it will be a “Carriage.” It is a commitment of sorts where one partner carries the other in good and bad. I carry you when you can’t carry your self and you carry me when I can’t. Picture a rickshaw, one person walking and carrying the other. Both could walk, or switch and the other can be carried. I suppose both could sit in the seats, but it will go no where. Maybe this is where mine ended. When I needed carrying, my partner jumped in the seat next to me and refused to walk and carry me. Caring for me is very necessary in my new love relationships. Care for me and I will care for you. This is my new quest: to find a “Carriage” relationship. Nothing hard, just need for both parties to know how it works. I want all my relationships to be like this especially with that one special man, whoever he is.

Many of you know I am working on a 30 day soul mate experiment. The blog called “Finding a soul mate” will explain in detail my quest to find the right soul for me. In five days it will conclude. Maybe he will appear in a horse drawn “carriage”, a rickshaw or not at all. But I think something will happen, I have faith.

Then again I might just go buy a fish.

“You can’t take the fixing out of the girl”

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This healing experience I am doing, there is one thing I have learned about me: “You can take the girl out of the fixing, but you can’t take the fixing out of the girl.” Here I am in China, far away from all my problems and I still rehash my co-dependent tendencies. This time I am learning how to ask for what I need. I’ve had a couple of opportunities in the last few days to work through those reoccurring issues. Learning to ask for what you need is really a difficult test for me. Ann Sauve and I had a good skype talk and she helped me clarify my new needs as a recovering co-dependent. She too has those co-dependent issues and has happily worked through hers. Her sweet husband Pete, will notice when she is “clamming up” and unhappy. He then prompts her to tell him what she needs. They have worked through the beginning speed bumps in the road of their relationship. She is a master at recognizing this problem and helping me see it. I never expected she would be teaching me how to recover.

Today I took time out for just me, and sat on my 28th floor balcony over looking Nanjing to soak up the polluted sun rays. I am the only one in town in a tank top, flip flops and a pair of mustard colored ladybug boys boxer shorts enjoying a sun tan Sunday! Me and my sudoko book, thinking and working number puzzles. I think too much. I try to fix things in my mind and it spills over into fixing men! I have a post-it note on my kitchen wall to remind me– “I am such a good cook, I can take anything and make it into something, except MEN!” I can’t fix men, I tried in a past relationship, but not anymore. They can fix themselves now. No, it is just me in this life of “singlehoodness,” and like Ann I ask those around me to help more. Today someone did just that and said “Tell me what you want.” Wow, I like that option. Yes, it made me feel like he cared about me and my needs. I am looking for that now in everyone I meet, especially men. A man that is strong enough to understand who he is and be genuinely interested in my well-being. Now wouldn’t that be the perfect mix?

If you are wondering how I am doing, then ask me. If I am quiet, seem confused, or just plain losing it then just ask me what I need. I need to speak up and tell you. It is how I am fixing this girl!