October 1, 2010

I wonder does he ever think about me, worry about my welfare, wish he was here with me, why did he do what he did to cause all this?  I don’t know.  He is so far from me now, in another world and I ponder over these things on occasion.  Do I hear from him?  Some.  It’s just a facade;  he never opens the door, walks in, sits down and talks one to one.  Did he ever really talk to me?  I don’t remember.  It is all a haze now like my morning view of the city.  I see the buildings but I don’t know what they are, like him.  Who was this man beyond the exterior?  I have learned the “one thing” is living your life in the moment.  I am stuck in the past, thinking like this.  It’s over, move on I tell myself, live life today, the present.  Someone said the present is a gift.  Looking out my window I see my gift a vast life to explore.  I see a five story pagoda on a little hill it keeps calling me to come visit.  A tear trickles down my eye.  Today I miss what I didn’t have with you.  It was a beautiful dream which floated away in a cloud.

A hot cup of honeysuckle tea, music drifting from my downstairs stereo with songs about the story of her life sounds like mine.  Alice gave me this CD by Deana Carter.  I enjoy the Sheryl Crow like melody.  It gives me a lift, makes me smile.  Alice and Sawyer will be coming by in an hour.  They are going to help me translate the Chinese characters on my TV remotes.  They are the best adopted Chinese children a mom could ask for.  They take care of me, like Sam, Casey, Randy and Andy do.  They fix things I can’t.  Sawyer gave me a T-shirt yesterday with a guy fishing in a boat with sharks swimming around.  “Big fish?” and “Exploring Unknown Worlds” are printed on it.  Sawyer likes fish, like my boys so this is something he got just for me and in blue, my favorite color.  Love, you find it everywhere, just look.   The gifts of the present and living life in the moment are my treasure.