Ever really wonder what the meaning of life is? Why was I put here in the first place? Where did I come from? What is the purpose in my life? Maybe I was hatched in a nest? Oops, that is a thought a chicken has. For that matter can chickens think? And what really came first the chicken or that darn egg?
In reality, the reason we are here revolves around our beliefs or dogmas. It could be our belief in God, our Christ-self, the universal consciousness, our Buddha nature, a supreme being or deity, maybe a supernatural being or simply a creator. We are taught about a higher being by our parents through our upbringing. We each have different beliefs. Ever get in a discussion about God with someone who thinks differently? Ding-dong Jehovah Witness calling! Quite a contest to see who has the better God, isn’t it?
During the past two weeks, while I was sick, I realized how very alone I am. Being ill puts a whole new perspective on the meaning of life. When I was in bed for days I began to understand true aloneness. No one was here to help me, care for me, or just chat with me. It was just me and myself. I began to ponder how did I get to China. Last year at this time I was in Allen, Texas teaching school, living by myself, and wondering what had happened to my life. It was like a volcano had erupted in my life and just devastated every part of my daily living. What could I do to stop the continuous magma flow? I came to China to remove all the horrific events from my mind. Did it work? Yes, I would say I was just picked up from one side of the earth and sat on the other side. In China nothing is the same and everything must be thought out completely. The process of living here has kept my mind busy and in a way it plugged up my volcano, like a wine cork in a bottle. Moving here stripped me of all my material possessions and the people in my life. I now must look at myself and really see who I am.
I think about my “issues” of caring for people and why I throw myself into obsessive relationships with men, teaching long hours, and multi-tasking where I need to be in control and stay so busy. My friend Patti told me the time here with my aloneness would make me look at me. As if removing all the extraneous stuff from my periphery and viewing the raw me. It is the time and the place to find out who I am.
The emerging of the real Susan is coming to light. Always a kind person and one who would do everything for you, she is one not in-charge of everyone’s everything, anymore! Still generous, she now allows others to pay her way, pick up things for her and take care of her without always doing it herself. She listens to advice from friends when things get difficult and actually uses their advice. She has even been known to write it down and save the wisdom for later. She still has a tendency to want to be first, something she has always done, but now she will stand back and let someone answer first, just listen and follow behind. It is a new sensation. A different, sometimes uncomfortable feeling. It is like changing your karma, making a different path, trying to correct a crazy wrong that always seemed right. She likes the new sweet soul shining through a delicate soft gossamer aura.
Life works if you let it. May you in your aloneness see who you really are. Above all, may you love that sweet breath of life the great creator blew into your being. Yes, you wonderful you.
