I have a dream…
a song to sing. a story to tell. a life to live.
Should you really wonder, if I am okay.
My story is unfolding, simply day by day…..
I do not know where I will be tomorrow,
but I do know this, I am on a journey
something not to forget.
I am in a boat sailing on the ocean, looking at the moon light
wondering where I will drift.
It is just my dream….
It is not hard to follow.
Come away with me and see what I have to discover.
You are always welcome.
Take my hand.
Ever really wonder what the meaning of life is? Why was I put here in the first place? Where did I come from? What is the purpose in my life? Maybe I was hatched in a nest? Oops, that is a thought a chicken has. For that matter can chickens think? And what really came first the chicken or that darn egg?
In reality, the reason we are here revolves around our beliefs or dogmas. It could be our belief in God, our Christ-self, the universal consciousness, our Buddha nature, a supreme being or deity, maybe a supernatural being or simply a creator. We are taught about a higher being by our parents through our upbringing. We each have different beliefs. Ever get in a discussion about God with someone who thinks differently? Ding-dong Jehovah Witness calling! Quite a contest to see who has the better God, isn’t it?
During the past two weeks, while I was sick, I realized how very alone I am. Being ill puts a whole new perspective on the meaning of life. When I was in bed for days I began to understand true aloneness. No one was here to help me, care for me, or just chat with me. It was just me and myself. I began to ponder how did I get to China. Last year at this time I was in Allen, Texas teaching school, living by myself, and wondering what had happened to my life. It was like a volcano had erupted in my life and just devastated every part of my daily living. What could I do to stop the continuous magma flow? I came to China to remove all the horrific events from my mind. Did it work? Yes, I would say I was just picked up from one side of the earth and sat on the other side. In China nothing is the same and everything must be thought out completely. The process of living here has kept my mind busy and in a way it plugged up my volcano, like a wine cork in a bottle. Moving here stripped me of all my material possessions and the people in my life. I now must look at myself and really see who I am.
I think about my “issues” of caring for people and why I throw myself into obsessive relationships with men, teaching long hours, and multi-tasking where I need to be in control and stay so busy. My friend Patti told me the time here with my aloneness would make me look at me. As if removing all the extraneous stuff from my periphery and viewing the raw me. It is the time and the place to find out who I am.
The emerging of the real Susan is coming to light. Always a kind person and one who would do everything for you, she is one not in-charge of everyone’s everything, anymore! Still generous, she now allows others to pay her way, pick up things for her and take care of her without always doing it herself. She listens to advice from friends when things get difficult and actually uses their advice. She has even been known to write it down and save the wisdom for later. She still has a tendency to want to be first, something she has always done, but now she will stand back and let someone answer first, just listen and follow behind. It is a new sensation. A different, sometimes uncomfortable feeling. It is like changing your karma, making a different path, trying to correct a crazy wrong that always seemed right. She likes the new sweet soul shining through a delicate soft gossamer aura.
Life works if you let it. May you in your aloneness see who you really are. Above all, may you love that sweet breath of life the great creator blew into your being. Yes, you wonderful you.
Clouds
I love clouds. They are a metaphor for the manifestations in my life.
Clouds remind me of life. They are temporal, ephemeral, aways drifting and changing driven by the wind the energy of life. They can be misty or snowy. On a rainy day cry me a cloud full. The ideas they carry can float away or appear and stay. Clouds are never the same always changing. A fine mist-like cloud can cover up a mountain and hide information, then dissolve and reveal the beauty within. I like the idea of a cloud being an incognito veil and the veil is blown off at different times to reveal new insights.
This is the entrance to the pagoda on the hill out my window.
It’s clear today. Misty cloudy mornings hide it’s colorful beauty. On a clear day, like today you can see to the Yangtze river and the bridge beyond. At night the pagoda is lit up. Green and red fireworks are exploding in the night sky next to the temple. I love this pagoda anytime day, night, in the fog, mist, rain, snow or sunshine.
Words of wisdom: Find something you love!
I love looking at the pagoda, writing philosophy and taking pictures.
Did you know it all comes together, if we let it? Thinking about it long enough will make it appear. What would we like to manifest? Contemplate our desires, then sit them on a distant mountain in the morning mist with clouds wafting around the entirety of our ideas. Life is like this pagoda atop the hill, looming on the horizon, ideas percolating about to appear in our life, right before our eyes. It might be concealed by a cloud. Take notice as the clouds dissipate, part and dreams are lifted into reality.
My new life is there on the moutain, in the mist, in the clouds waiting to appear.
One day the wind will blow, the clouds will move and there you will be. You are there I just haven’t seen you yet.
Happy New Years from my roof top.
New Years Eve is the time to purge your 2010 unpleasant happenings. Easiest way is to create a “burning bowl ceremony.” Start with a small sheet of paper. List the old stuff you want to release and cleanse from your life and mind. Spend some time as you recall these old thoughts. Soon you will free them into the Universe and transmute them into the light. Ignite your paper and throw it in a bowl and watch all those bad moments burn up in a blaze of fire. Be careful and don’t burn your fingers! Take a big sheet of paper and write all the good things you want to attract to your life to replace the old things you just released for the new year. Fold it, put it in an envelope, seal it, and write “Do not open until July 1, 2011”. Then in six months open it and check your progress.
Happy New Years from the most beautiful roof top in the world, Nanjing China.
Love to all!
A new dawn, a new day, a new year!
A new year is upon us and I am ever so glad. 2010 was the worst year ever, starting last New Year’s eve in the hospital emergency room with Randy, Mom, Ruth Ann and Jeff. Mom was taken by ambulance from the car dealership where she slipped and fell. Randy drove her on that icy afternoon to win a car instead she won five dollars. When I walked in the ER, I noticed Jeff had his arm wrapped in a sling. He had been in a car accident earlier that day. As he explained some crazy woman ran into his car pretty much totaling it. The impact popped his driver side air bag which exploded and burnt his arm. My day was not much better as I elucidated. I had asked Kyle to move out after all his shenanigans with alcoholism. The five of us just looked at each other in amazement and actually laughed in relief that we were all okay. What a day!
Instead of New Years Resolutions, this is my year of “reverse process.” This is how I am reversing my need to fix others and just fix me. My list as follows.
Let the fixing commence!
A good life.
A good soul.
A good person.
These three qualities of a blessed human being creates your “Trinity.”
These three things should sum up one’s existence? Where ever you are, think about the blessings in your life. Add them up on this lovely Christmas day. When we define the word good, we find the definition to be one that is morally excellent,virtuous, righteous, pious and sincere. Did you know the word ‘good’ had such a saintly definition? I did not!
So what are your good works? Think seriously for a moment. What have you done that is excellent or what do you consider to be your good deeds? Can you make a list of five?
My children top my most creative good works! The whole thought of my children, brings a twinkle to my eyes, a big smile and laughter to my face. Then a few tears puddle in my eyes when I think of Andy! He was the most joyous, crazy son ever! That red hair, those sparkling green eyes made a presence when he would walk into a room. He would give you a good solid hug. Then as tears roll down my cheeks I remember all the mischief he created, the trouble he would get in, things he would break, bills he wouldn’t pay, a call to bail him out of jail and the hell he gave us all. Then I smile, wipe the tears away and think, what a life he lead. A passionate life full of adventure, friends and family. He was devoted to his family and loved us all no matter what! That is one huge blessing in my life.
Casey is my second son, a handsome tall blue eyed man. Devoted to family, his girlfriend Sarah and his job in California, he is a man of compassion, kindness and a bit of dry humor like his grandpa Fred. He is reliable, responsible and just darn sweet. Randy the third son, is the one I will say never had an argument with me his entire life. I do remember him getting mad at Andy and ramming his fist into a window over something Andy did to him. That cost him some stitches. Randy is the forgetful one, can’t seem to remember where he puts things. I told him once I would take him to a hypnotist to see if they could plant a thought to remember! Reliable, devoted, wonderfully kind and generous he created this blog and helps me with technology. He loves to travel with Jess his girlfriend.
Lastly, but not the least is Samantha, my beautiful daughter who loves horses, ferrets and cocker spaniels. She has a mind of her own and sometimes takes over mine and Chris’! We let her have her way, cause we know if we don’t….! Chris is her emotionally secure husband, like a rock. They photograph the funniest pictures of jumping at every location they visit. They need to publish a book of their traveling jumps and sell it.
Creating traditions are part of our family. We spend holidays, vacations and good times together in person or on Skype. We are there for each other, we love each other and need each other. Christmas is our favorite time together, with stockings full of walnuts, thanks to grandpa Fred for that one! We all love lots of presents, times together and pies, whether it be paper sack apple pie (grandma Dortha’s recipe), pecan, pumpkin or Casey’s favorite cherry cheese cake. Family traditions are something everyone should create. I started a book of Santa pictures when the children were little and still collect recent pictures of the them with Santa. My theory is if you don’t believe in Santa, then you won’t get gifts at Christmas, so you better believe!
I meet up with Jane, a mom of an art student. We had a yummy vegan lunch on the top floor of the Jiming Temple which was built in the Southern Dynasties by Liang wu-ti. The existing temple was built in the Ming Dynasty overlooking Xuanwu Lake. Behind the temple there is a section of the palace wall called Taicheng. We decided to walk the great wall to the next temple at Jiuhua Hill Park. It was a chilly afternoon and very few people were out, making it quiet and relaxing to chat about Buddhism, art, food, and just plain girl talk. Strolling on the top of the wall was picturesque to say the least. As we walked along looking down we saw a statue of a golden Buddha nestled between the wall and the hill, in the private quarters of the monestary. It was nice to see monks in saffoon robes going about their daily life, without noticing us.
Leaving the wall we walked up the hill to the temple. As we meandered through the magnolia trees in the park, there was a lovely voice coming from someone singing in the distance. At the top we saw the temple and a pagoda roofed gazebo where we found a beautiful woman standing in front of a monstrous bell, as she sang she would periodically clap the bell. The sounds were ever so harmonious. Jane was curious and we stood and listened. I figured the woman was centering her chi with the melody she was creating. We sat down and the woman came over and sat with us and we had the most wonderful spiritual conversation about praying, God, how Buddhism is accepting of all people. This wise woman is a painter and a writer, just like me! We agreed that our meeting was not by chance. I told her my story of Andy and the happy Buddha, she smiled and bowed with prayer hands graciously and said there is a little Buddha in everyone. Her kindness was delightful. Sun Yu Fen said she would bring me a copy of her writings to our school this week as a gift. Jane had never been around a Buddhist or really spoke about spiritualism and was so happy to translate. We walked down the stairs to the temple, hearing rhythmic chanting. It was prayers for dead ancestors. I was in the right place, it was a good day. I said a sweet prayer for Andy and June. We left the temple with free books in hand and headed down the street. A beggar came up asking for coins, Jane pulled away. I stopped, found a coin in my coat pocket and placed it in his bowl. I told her it was alright. Giving to the man in need is always good, because when you walk away, you shouldn’t feel bad. I know to give will show compassion and I will not have a bad feeling. She seemed okay with my answer and we moved on. She pointed out a vegan shop to buy some vegetarian food to take home. She got a cookbook and I got a package of fake duck. I saw a Tibetan Buddhist shop and of course had to go in. I explained to Jane about the Tibetan singing bowls and bought a small prayer wheel. I asked for any books in English and after much raffling around the store manager found the only one, a very lovely book on Tibetan Buddhism and gave it to me free of charge. It was such a spiritually blessed day. Home we went, Jane now wanting to learn to cook with vegan meats and I very thankful for sweet encounters.
A dear friend’s mom died this week. Norman said his mom’s cardiologist described her as joyful and infectiously playful and to include that in her obituary. June was a mother who lost a 23 year old and a 35 year old. She said in concern to her lost children “well you either let it destroy you or you become more compassionate of others!” Having lost a 29 year old, I walk a similar path as June.
Every day I awake and face my life head on. I smile and greet unfamiliar faces on my way to work. Little children sometimes giggle and hide behind their mom. The old grandmotherly women tell me to dress warmer. The old wrinkled Chinese men curiously eye the American with blond hair. I say Ni Hao to see if they will speak back to me. I spend extra time with students that need special attention because their English is poor. Anger is something I no longer want in my life, only happiness and joy.
To Norman, thank you for sharing your story. I hope when I die the same will be said about me.
Norman’s favorite quote:
“If the only prayer you say in your whole life is thank you…it will be enough” Meister Eckhart -13th Century
This is the actual Snow Mountain in China.
It snowed today and I rode my bike to work in the falling flakes, actually delightful. Therefore, I am writing about snow inspirations. Jon gave me a book to read called The Secret of the Golden Flower by Thomas Cleary. It is a Chinese Taoist book about mediation. After reading it, I did some research on some of the terms and found an interesting Taoist meditation called Snow Mountain Meditation.
It’s simple to do. Sit upright in a chair. Take a couple nice cleansing breaths, release the tension from your head, neck and shoulders. Smile and relax. Put your attention in the area in front of your tailbone maybe a half inch from the pelvic floor. This is the Snow Mountain area or sometimes called the Golden Urn. In this space, deep in your belly, visualize a mountain of snow with a very warm sun shinning down from above, as though there were a sun in your lower belly, shining down on the snow mountain. Continue to visualize, as the sun warms and melts the snow. The snow melts and flows down the mountain to create a lake. Steam rises and nourishes your entire body. Repeat this visualization, warming sun melting snow, creating a lake and steam rising. In a couple minutes you should feel renewed and refreshed.
I thought this was a lovely meditation and a nice visual to practice on a snowy day. Let me know the outcome of your snow mediation. Just hit reply, I am curious what you visualized and felt.
Alice had crabs for dinner a couple nights ago. A vegetation – I did not partake. Sawyer was steaming the little guys and I was reminded of the time Andy, Casey and Randy went crabbing at Kemah. I had pretty much given up meat and was almost a total vegetarian when they caught a mess of Blue Crabs in Clear Lake by our home. I told them I just couldn’t clean them live and would just chunk them in the boiling water to cook. Do you know when you toss something live in boiling water it screams? Well it does! Crabs or what ever? There I was with a huge pot of boiling water and I threw those live crustaceans in. Crab legs were flailing, little voices hollering, and I am cramming a lid on the pot trying to not hear or see the entire thing. As soon as all the blue crabs were in the pot, lid on, silence from within, did I realize they were dead. Within an instance their poor souls are scurrying up my arms and pinching me. It was quite a metaphysical visual and at that point I became a total vegetarian.
I know I have told this story to many of you and some of you think I am unrealistic in my belief about animal souls. But believe me they have souls. You really shouldn’t kill them or eat them. They will come back and haunt you or in my case pinch you. Don’t really like the whole thought of it. I just send them to animal heaven, when I see dead animal on the road or in the market. I have a huge “road kill” animal heaven awaiting me when I get there.
Dead animals. Think about that, what do you believe?
“You shall not kill or murder!” One of those commandments, Moses found. Poor old Moses and his ten commandments God gave him on a stone tablet up on a mountain. Ever really thought about that one? Don’t kill or murder, killing an animal is murder. Take it seriously and don’t kill anything, including animals. At least don’t make excuses if you do.